Things I’ve missed while off of Facebook for nearly two weeks
Being off of Facebook is traumatic. Endless calls, texts and emails flood your phone asking when you will be back. I’ve missed my Facebook life as much as you’ve missed me – and decided to outline the things I’ve missed the most, while also serving you personal updates in true Facebook fashion.
Let me take a moment to express my appreciation for knowing which Harry Potter character you are or what your name says about you – its life changing. I can’t believe I’ve missed the weekly round of quizzes this last week and spent my whole weekend searching Buzzfeed to find the latest quiz.
I originally thought I would end up with Mulan because I’m such a badass. However, Buzzfeed knew me better than that when they actually told me I was Cinderella. It makes sense, how many times am I obsessed with my socks and shoes?
Buzzfeed: 1 Brian: 0
So why are all of my friends posting 5 pictures that make them feel beautiful? We all know that you take 10 selfies before finding that right angle for your duck face.
When I was challenged to select only 5 images that made me feel beautiful – I’ll admit, I had to stop and watch a few Dove commercials to find inspiration. (Is this the part when I tag 5 of my friends to SPAM my newsfeed with their selfies?)
300 Candy Crush Invitations
I offer my deepest apologies to all of my Facebook friends who sent me over 300 Candy Crush invitations in the last week. Typically I would go through and read each and every one of them and I’m literally ‘crushed’ that I wasn’t able to do that in a timely manner.
I hope that this response can serve as a blanket for those invitations I missed:
Stop sending me that crap – get off the couch and go run, or something.
Dearest Facebook – while you might think that you know me better than I know myself – one thing I haven’t missed during my time off of your social network was the ads.
I get it, Mr. Zuckerberg, you’ve got to worry about your bottom line, but can you at least offer me items that I would halfway be interested in? Perhaps cigars or bowties, for example?
But a Nuvaring? Really? Perhaps the ad platform needs a little attention.
Throw Back Thursday
I’m not going to lie – I enjoy TBT. When else can we all look back and think ‘Why did our parents make us wear that?” or “I can’t believe she went to prom with me even though I was wearing a zoot suit.”
I’ve missed this weekly holiday on Facebook and am definitely looking forward to more bell bottoms, platform shoes and retro patterns that we all chose to wear on a daily basis.
Last but certainly not least – I missed all of the ‘brag-book’ posts. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then you are a ‘brag-book’ user.
There’s nothing more annoying than seeing update after update of my friends attempting to 1-up the others. How about we all live our own lives and be real on Facebook. Agree?
The fun has lasted but after getting so many texts, emails and even phone calls about my Facebook silence – I’ve decided, for all of your sake, that I will activate my account again. So…who’s up for finding out which state I should live in?